I need to find someone that can relate to my life story: (most people here can ignore this)
This sub seems like a safe place me to share some things I need to get off my chest. I hope there are others here that relate to this, I am on my last legs.
If I didn't beleive that a greater reality exists behind the perception of this one I most likely would have called it quits.. The prospect of having a career, kids and active social life has never interested me enough to even get out of bed most mornings. Most people seem content with Earthly things and don't struggle with life's deeper questions. They are to busy and have demanding responsibilities taking up most of their time and there's nothing wrong with that.
However, I've had an intense life long obsession with trying to understand reality, a hunch that something vital is missing in this world. Every time I try to live a normal life I get forced out and distracted. Pursing earth bound goals without knowing what the bigger picture is seems tragic and pointless to me. Being the average Joe with a 9 to 5 job, wife, kids, friends and weekend golf matches is something I'm allergic to. I just cant do it untill something else is resolved, it seems beyond pointless. When I look at others bound to their routine work/sleep/eat routine all I see are people with shovels digging up holes and filling them back in, day after day, nonstop, for 99% of their waking life. I wish there was a way to fix it so badly.
Almost every movie, book, videogame and even song lyrics that has ever interested me, felt meaningful, or triggered a very intense strange feeling like stomach butterflies had elements in the story consistent with transcention. The idea of being a slave in an illusory reality then somehow finding out shocking truths about actual reality and through being in love finds a way to something greater. This theme is so consistently pointed out to me through feeling. When I remember things I was drawn towards in the past, those times that felt the most "meaningfull" unbeknownst to me at the time related strongly to this theme of separation, overcoming obstacles then transformation in some specific context. The Crysalids was my favourite book by far as a kid, something about the story triggered very weird emotions, being in a crysalsis transforming into higher being related to me somehow, sort of like deja vu. It sparked an inner reaction that I never have gotten over.
I was remembering, longing for something lost, something about it felt so real and intense but couldn't make logical sense of why I had those feelings. In my dreams I was like astro boy, flying wherever I wanted and communication through telepathy as though I should be able to do in waking life. Rosalind's "thought shapes" triggered an intense jealously or envy, of something I felt I should be able to do as well. In some ways it absolutely terrified me.
This leads to one of the reasons why I need to take this 100% seriously, despite the woo. I used to think without a doubt my premonitions outside established science could be fully explained through aspergers, attention deficit disorder and severe depression. I can't prove that what gone through is real, but whenever I spend a few days mediating and think things over I inexorably come to the same conclusion. This reality isn't quite what it seems to be on the surface, it is a test, prison, zoo, simulation, DNA farm or labratory and humans are the guinnie pigs fed lies from birth to cover what is actually happening. Tremendous effort has been spent towards the goal of making sure we never find this out or escape. We existed somewhere else before coming here.
This is my theory and I'm not claiming it is fact. I say this because there has to something, some cause or reason why myself and so many others feel desperately homesick and out of place. Phenomena like UFOs really shouldn't exit if the worldview we are taught is truth. So many things wouldn't seem out of place, we should able to detect signs of civilizations in space but instead it appears we are alone. Certain things trigger emotional memory that I can not account for or have had any long term memory of actually occuring. I'm greiving the loss of something that I know had to have happened to cause this severe trauma that has no reason to exist. I miss being somewhere else but cant remember where, my physical body has never left this planet, I feel the pain of losing my family and ife partner but all my family members are alive and I've never had serious romantic relationship. There is no reason whatsoever for this happen unless I actually WAS somewhere else at some point. Confabulated "memories" do not affect you more than all of the emotion combined from every other feeling you've ever had, they are not that powerful and don't become that way without starting somewhere somewhere and being created somehow. Starting in a real place, not here.
Memory is eraseable through some sort of technology and I would bet everything we have lost access and understanding of our real past history.
When I was 12 years old, the first time listening to the song 'Ordinary World' by duran duran scared me half to death. It was abjectly painful for me to hear, I was very frightened some reason, I had no idea or concept of what the lyrics were, I just knew that song hit a funny bone and felt impossbly strange to hear. I never knew why or thought there was any reason for my emotions to do this. The lyrics: "
What has happened to it all?Crazy, some'd sayWhere is the life that I recognize? (Gone away)
But I won't cry for yesterdayThere's an ordinary worldSomehow I have to findAnd as I try to make my wayTo the ordinary worldI will learn to survive
felt so real and important to me. I was greiving a loss I couldnt remember having but "knew" something was gone permanently. The world became weird. How can it be explained for this to have happened to me, missing an old reality and forced to adapt to a new one. Other than the lyrics giving me real information about my real past that I could remember only on an emotional level. No other explanation can account for what I went through. At all. That song gave me goosebumps and an impossibly weird feeling. I was nervous and frightened anytime I listened to it. The most disturbing thing back then which caused me the most trauma was that I was conditioned to never share emotions with my family. It was scared, weird and awkward to tell my parents about any music i liked and it's effect on my feelings, forbidden. I was alone, had I do try to deal with it myself and never speak a word to anyone because that would mean im crazy. Those were my exact thoughts.
Many other songs had a similar effect on me. Looking back throughout all my life in every instance when I've had a strong emotional reaction to a song I only later realized the lyrics could be interpretted in the context relating to missing "the normal", of undergoing a feeling of loss, having a desire to be somewhere else, being stuck in a strange world thats not home, separated from family, and unable to remember the real past.
The song cat's in the cradle, about a child and father longing to be with each and missing each other other but being unable to do so because of circumstances hit me hard as well. Life made no sense, I was bewildered and terrified at the thought of a "normal" life. No other person seemed to understand me or even have the tiniest inkling of what was happening to me.
I learned to forcibly supress and never talk about how I actually felt inside. It made no sense at all. I was "going through the motions" of being a normal child as best I could but what really mattered to me the most inside was something else. I could never be my "true self" and always acted as best I could to fit in but lacked any true personality, I did my best at pretending to be like other kids saying I like the same things they like, trying to have more in common with, but ultimately I was bullied into beleiving I was just "stupidiest" person in the class or anywhere else, that is what I honestly believed.
I couldnt remember actually being anywhere else, just an overwhelming depressed sad feeling of loosing something I once had in the past. It was one of my "problems". Life was meaningless, pointless and boring. Going to school then having a job is what everyone must do, but I routinely failed to understand what made people tick. This working all day idea was not related to anything I could feel as being important. Getting back and fixing whatever it is humans have lost felt like the only important things anyone should bother spending time on.
This is the worst kind of torture, doing something non-stop that is completely meaningless and pointless while blind to the profound and important things going on elsewhere. This affects me, I am extremely emotional, empathetic and sensitive. It burns me so hard inside down to the core. Things shouldn't be this way, people don't realize what has been taken from them, everyone is missing a part of their soul and has been brainwashed into believing this is normal and all there is. It hurts me so much and I take on everyone elses feelings as my own. I can't deal with it anymore, its torture. I can't function day to day at all, it's impossible for me to sit still, think straight, socailize or sleep at night. This haunts me everywhere all the time and worst part about it is that I have to pretend it doesn't matter.
No one Ive met in real life has even the slightest clue what I'm getting at when I try to be honest about myself and explain this. I have to force a smile and pretend nothing is wrong with me. I can't help being dispassionate about "normal" things and people misunderstand me, thinking I dont care about anything - I suffered abuse as a child and cauased greif to my parents because I wasn't normal, didn't fit in anywhere or have real friends like everyone else.
The only way I've ever been able to stop obsessing and worrying 24/7 is by having potent distractions.
Life feels like a permant dress rehersal, nothing here is the real thing, we don't know where we can from who we are and where we are going and pretend it doens't matter. All our pursuits feel utterly in vain except for how they address this situation. Something outside of this world has been calling me all my life, giving me subtle hints about a greater purpose. Strange synchronicities like seeing the number 33 everywhere as of late might be gentle reassurance I'm not crazy.
I am severely addicted to a mix of over the counter drugs (gravol, dxm and tylenol 1).
The reasons for this are above.
It's hurting me very much and I know I should stop but I'm pathologically deluded into thinking it doesn't exist, or isnt serious at all 99% of the time. Every single day I take 50-60 pills, I have been doing this for many many years, handfuls upon handfulls, automatically without a second thought whatsoever, almost involuntary.
There is ABSOLUTELY no way out, no hope, nothing on this planet to stop what I'm doing to myself that doesn't involve real transcendence and finding out my life's true purpose, assuming it exists.. Ive tried everything many times over, I even spent two YEARS in a strict residentlal recovery program but that still wasn't enough.
I can deal with my feelings somewhat and not act crazy by suppressing my memory through drugs, but now I've realized this cant go on much longer. My addiction is so strong and feels so necessary in order to prevent me from dealing with my inner emotions.
So, I at least have a shred of small hope that indeed - my life story as I've outlined here might relate to many other people as well. I know it does. We are stuck here together.
I know this post may sound redundant, but it is a literal life and death situation for me if I don't soon figure out what I can do about this. I dont know what to do. I have to believe there's reasons why I'm here and what I must do. I am asking therefore, for people who feel the same way to come together so we can figure this out. This is to much for me to handle alone. The urge to swallow 20 pills of gravol every 4 hours, so I can forget about the severity of my problems is going to keep happening unless I do something.
edit: grammer and note - this is the most honest thing I have ever written about myself, I feel vunerable but NEEDED to get it out.
5 CommentsShareEdit PostSaveHide100% UpvotedComment as Illustrious_Two_3058
CommentMarkdown ModeSort By: Live (Beta) (Suggested)📷📷level 1MantisAwakening·9d
I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re struggling with. A lot of what you wrote resonates with me, although my knees went out a bit when I read how you’ve been handling it.
My body took all of the trauma and stress in my life and became the most incredibly efficient somatization machine the world has ever seen. I can take almost anything negative and not feel it emotionally because my body converts it into something physical. I have more diagnoses than a hypochondriac with a Merck Manual, although most of mine have been confirmed by testing.
When I first became aware that the underpinnings of the universe appeared to be woo I desperately cast about hoping it would provide a solution to my problems. Maybe I could do remote viewing for a living! Maybe I can think myself out of pain! Maybe spirits will heal me! Maybe aliens will heal me! Maybe reality will melt and I’ll become an invincible being of pure light! I didn’t know what else to do, because I was running out of options and my survival was starting to look grim.
As it turns out, the universe hasn’t handed me the keys to my problems. What it has shown me is that there are potential answers and reasons out there that I have no understanding of. It’s taught me to quit telling stories, because it’s useless. Things that I have no awareness or understanding of are possible and can happen. The universe is also teaching me that I have to make space for them to happen.
There is ABSOLUTELY no way out, no hope, nothing on this planet to stop what I'm doing to myself that doesn't involve real transcendence and finding out my life's true purpose, assuming it exists.. Ive tried everything many times over, I even spent two YEARS in a strict residentlal recovery program but that still wasn't enough.
The pills aren’t the cause of your problems, they’re a symptom of them. I believe the reason so many people relapse is because they think that their life will magically get better if they quit doing drugs. The truth is that they started doing drugs in the first place because they felt they couldn’t cope with something in their life. That’s what you need to focus on right now, not quitting the pills.
Stop telling yourself you can’t. When you do that you close yourself off to possibilities that otherwise exist that you just can’t see. Don’t let anyone dictate to you what the universe can and can’t do. Genuine miracles happen to people sometimes (I’ve seen it), but the point isn’t figuring out how, the point is simply recognizing that it means that there are genuinely no rules for what can’t and can’t be.
It sounds like you are open to the woo, so that’s a good start. It also sounds like you got hung up on trying to explain how it works, and that’s a fruitless endeavor. Any story you or anyone else tells is simply a story, because no one truly knows what is going on. For every rule you make about how the universe works you can find an example which disproves it. Making up rules does nothing more than once again closing yourself off to possibility.
Humans have spent thousands of years making up stories. We turned it into a science. It literally is science. Science is simply making up rules and believing they’re always true. The paranormal is all of the proof that the rules are aren’t rules at all, which is why we refuse to pay attention to it. People simply don’t want to live in a world in which they don’t think they are in control at all times.
Your goal for right now should be to persuade yourself that good things can happen to you. Easier said than done, it does take work, but there’s very good science out there that explains how to do it. Start with affirmations. Stop telling yourself what is or isn’t going to happen. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a place to start.
It sounds like a lot of what you struggle with is because you’re trapped in the story of your old life. Your past has no bearing on your present. It is simply an order in which random things happened, nothing more. Yes, it contributed to your current circumstance, but it has no power over you. If you’re going to tell a story, let it simply be one in which good things can happen to you. Don’t try and explain how, or what, or why, or any of that unnecessary crap. Just tell yourself that it can.
Once you do this for a while you will stop feeling so powerless. Your life isn’t going to magically change overnight, but your attitude will and then how you respond to opportunities will as well. Don’t try and understand it, or make rules about how it all works. All you’ll do is create a framework filled with limitations—and again, in the end all you’re doing is making up a story.
This is where you must put your focus right now, because as long as you feel stuck in a shitty story you’ll be unable to fix anything.
I believe that you can have a better story.
2ReplyGive AwardShareReportSave📷level 2Illustrious_Two_3058OP·9d
Thanks for the reply and advice!
I focus hard on trying to explain these ideas and how they work because I don't want to find out later its fake, and that I gave in gullible wishful thinking. I wish I could prove these ideas are true and have to always question myself if they are logically coherent or not. Rationality is good, but as you pointed out, overthinking things isn't.
I don't think my story is necessarily bad, I have hope. I just know every time I try to live like a normal person inexplicable things keep happening that force me to question my place in the world. The frustrating part is not knowing what I can do on a day to day basis to address them, but I have some ideas I need try.
1ReplyShareSaveEdit📷level 1oomeanmrmustard21·10d
A lot resonated with me brother. I’ve been through a lot of this too. Music for me has always been important in my life but during my awakening it’s been so amazing snd the lyrics you posted resonated with me just reading them.
During my process of healing I was addicted to oxys. I knew I was and I lied saying nah I’m good to everyone as I got them legit. Then I ran out early. This was often now. Fighting to get my hands on these pills to feel normal. I then realized it had to stop.
I told my wife and she was so supportive. I’m very grateful to have had her because it was fucking hard. I tried cold turkey but it took me to a very bad place. So I talked with my dr and wife, made a plan and reduced over a 4 month period roughly. Each step down was terrible. I wanted to die. Give up. But for some reason I kept asking for more.
Then I beat it. I haven’t touched a pill in a year now I think? I don’t miss them or think about them at all. You can do this. This weird that’s calling to you is the normal. Once you let it settle you get used to it, then love it, then miss it, then learn another doozy, then balance which is where I am now.
If you ever need to talk seriously reach out man. I’ve just shared more about myself with a group of strangers and it was all for you. Use all the wonderful support here from everyone and don’t give up because we all love you!
6ReplyGive AwardShareReportSave📷level 2oomeanmrmustard21·10d
And may I add a tool that worked wonders for me but may not be for you was psilocybin. Total game changer.
2ReplyGive AwardShareReportSave📷level 1Beh3r3now·10d
I wish I could just give you a hug.
There is probably a million directions to try to respond with here, but maybe I’ll get lucky and share one thought that can give you something to hold onto.
Three “words” I like to repeat myself in times where I’m being a slave to my mind is—
Stillness Loving compassion Quiet joy
I try to feel what those three feel like together and imagine my higher self looking down on me knowing if I could only see why I chose this incarnation, I would immediately just gasp in wonder.
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